Divine Direction

I keep a pretty consistent hand-written journal. I suppose you could say that my blog is my journal also, but nobody ever really writes EVERYTHING on a blog when you know people will be reading it. Plus, I'm a fan of my handwritten journals. I can tell what sort of mood I'm in just glancing at each entry. My handwriting is all sorts of wack, and it's even more crazy and sharp-like when I'm upset or being dramatic about something. In the end, once or twice a year I'll sit down with an old journal and read back on past entries. I really like going back to as close to 1 year, then 2 years, then 3 years ago, and so on from that days current date and read exactly what was going on year by year (Wierd? Well, maybe.). There have been great times of sorrow and confusion, only to learn the WHY of it all a year or two or seven down the road. My journals have been a great resource for me, especially when I'm seeking more faith or more strength to just get through whatever the new battle is. I can better see the divine direction in my life.

So.... let's be honest.

This semester has been pretty rough. I've never been the roller-coaster emotional crier until about 11 days ago... I don't think I've gone one day without crying since then. Actually, I'm starting to annoy myself from all of it. I attribute this to midterms in general, but really, I feel that this could also be because I feel like I've completely neglected my children and husband lately, I just received an additional calling that I feel very intimidated and unqualified for, and the fact that 11 days ago my pregnancy test had only 1 line, for the millionth time in a row.

I cried in my voice lesson, I cried in the car listening to every Taylor Swift song (the current CD), and I cried to Dustin each night in bed knowing that the next day would be just as overwhelming.

So, back to the title thing. Divine direction.

My sister watched Lillie and Jack on Tuesday so I could go to the temple, it had been a few weeks. I got there pretty early and was able to spend some time alone listening to the kind Sister playing the organ. BTW-I hope she knows how much her simple calling of playing the organ meant to me. She was even exemplifying excellent musicianship skills with her phrasing and musicality and played all the really, really good hymns. I cried again. It felt so, just, good to be there. I hope heaven feels just like that. I prayed for strength, I prayed for my husband and sweet little's, I prayed to have more time with my family, I prayed to have all my studying and learning reflected on my exams, I prayed to be inspired in my callings, I prayed for another baby. I prayed for help.

Tonight is Friday, and in just 3 hours I was able to complete four classes worth of homework and write out our ward's Christmas Program in it's entirety. I even went through music and felt inspired on which songs to have the choir sing, solos to have performed, even speakers to say certain parts in between. I passed all of my exams this week with A's, and I was able to spend some time with just the kids after school today and took my family on a "family date" to Leo's Place. Dana even made us dinner one night "just because" not knowing how sometimes getting home at 6:15 and tucking the kids into bed at 7 can be really sad for me, especially when that tiny amount of time to spend together is spent making dinner. AND Tomorrow night Dustin and I have the night to ourselves. As of right now, the tightness in my shoulders is alleviated and I'm at some kind of content and peace.
I'm in gratitude of this help and comfort that took me 4 days to notice. This will be one of those journal entries that I can look back on oneday when life seems difficult and unfair and dramatic and overwhelming and just hard... and know that if I just ask for help, it will come.

Excuse me while I go to bed now and cry.